The torture continues

A week into the first block of SOGP, it have become obvious that the whole process is just a box-ticking exercise.

During our "Steps to Offending" we were analysing how we got from "that's wrong" to "that's ok to do" and how we changed our own environment to allow the "offending behaviour".

We then had to examine "routes to offending" which meant analysing patterns in our own life.

Finally, we completed "decision chains". This is supposed to show you the points at which you made "inappropriate" decision which led to your offending.

Only problem with all three of those - since I can't remember my offending, how in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to identify the steps I took, the decisions I made, the patterns that existed? Indeed, since this was my first ever offence, and my first ever visit to either Court or Prison, how relevant will any patterns be.

I'm also very concerned with the negativity in the language being used by your supposedly neutral facilitators. They keep discussing "inappropriate sexual thoughts" and "sexual abuse" when referring to the offences and the lead-up to them. I have tried to challenge this more than once, but keep being "shouted" down by the group. However, not all sexual offending is sexual abuse, and conversely, not all sexual abuse is sexual offending.

I'm also extrememly concerned with the fact that it has been admitted that this is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a form of Psychological treatment, but no-one wants to tell us what we are being treated for - what condition we have, either in DSM V or ICD 10 that this is the approved treatment for. Which is something very relevant.

When I was in a Mental Institution, many years ago as a child, I was told by the Doctors that they could only treat "disgnosable" conditions. These were specified, at the time, in ICD 6, and later in ICD 9. I was diagnosed at age 11 as having "sub-threshold Multiple Personality Disorder" - what is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, and since it was sub-threshold they couldn't treat it but could help me, with counselling, to manage it.

This management worked really well, I know that I have three distinct personalities, but there is congruence between them and I have memory of all three. In other words, my "personalities" can change to reflect my state of mind, but the underlying "me" is always in control. And yes, the underlying "me" is Fenrir, and all of the personalities identify themselves externally as Fenrir, even if we argue like cat and dog in my head!

So, as a result, I have a really good understanding of both "inappropriate" thoughts, and psychological treatment. In fact, once of my Identities wanted to study psychology when I was younger! The other always wanted to be a lawyer, but that's a different story.

And now, despite knowing that there is an emergent fourth identity - the one which I can't remember, I'm being denied the opportunity to try to reconcile this identity into myself, because I'm being forced to undergo this pointless programme. I think it's doing more harm than good, but if I say that I risk a return to prison, and no Psychology input for at least another 2 years.

I wonder if I should go and see my doctor, and get a psychiatric referral preventing me from continuing SOGP due to the mental damage it is doing me? That won't look good on Probation's part!